Fightin' Crime

I am a violent sleeper. I don't mean that I toss and turn and steal the covers. I mean I perform acts of violence in my sleep. In my dreams, I'm usually masquerading as some super-hero (I dreamt I was a Power Ranger once) or Secret  Agent or some other do-gooder out to right the wrongs of the world. I'm kicking ass and taking names. Curtis and I call it "Fightin' Crime".

Apparently, the other night was so bad that Curtis, who sleeps like the dead, seriously considered moving to the couch. I punched him in the face while yelling, "Get the !@#$ out of here!" then I started rapid-fire kicking him in the shins.  Did I mention I curse in my sleep too?

I would try to describe to you what I was dreaming about, but my dreams are so involved and detailed that it would take forever.  But just to prove my point, here's a little snippet:

Our family stays late after a Halloween party to rob the furniture store where the party is taking place. After all the guests leave we start moving out the furniture. I have to take a break during all this to try and clear the porn off all the computer monitors that have suddenly appeared all over the room (I don't know... it's a dream).

The dream goes on and includes:

Me stealthily flying a helicopter past George W. Bush who is waking up from surgery on a veranda. Laura Bush is hugging him. There is a Secret Service Agent hovering nearby with a weapon that looks something like this.

I'm glad that I didn't try to smother Curtis instead of hitting him because I remember a part of the dream where King won't stop talking, and seeing as we are trying to allude the authorities while we are stealing furniture, I am particularly frustrated by this. So every time he opens his mouth to speak, I clamp my hand over his entire face.

The dream goes on and on, as Curtis will attest, because apparently I was kicking and swearing all night. This was not an isolated incident either; it happens all the time. After nights like these I wake up exhausted with all my muscles in knots because I've been clenching and battling while I was supposed to be sleeping.

Holy cow, I need to relax.