We went to Chuck E. Cheese the other night to celebrate King's excellent test scores. As I was getting Michael out of the car, I smelled this awful stench.
"Woook! Michael, you've been busy." I planned a trip to the changing station as soon as we got settled inside.
Once we were inside, though, I couldn't smell it anymore. I held Michael up and sniffed his butt... nothing.
It wasn't until we were at the counter ordering our pizza that the mystery revealed itself.
"Oh, man! Jeez." Curtis was shaking his head like he had just been sprayed with something foul.
"What?" I asked.
"King just farted."
It was all clear now. There was no poopy diaper, it was just King's stench lingering in the car before.
This happens all the time. I live in a house with three boys, so some "pull my finger" antics are to be expected. But sometimes you'll just be standing next to the kid and and suddenly you'll SMELL IT. No sound. No warning. You're sure he must have just crapped his pants, because certainly nothing but actual feces could smell that bad. I remember one time we were out on the porch, which is enclosed only by screens, and I had to go back inside, it stunk so badly.
If King goes to one of these fancy private schools to which we've been applying, I can imagine his teacher calling for a meeting with Curtis and me.
"King's farting is disruptive."
"How do you mean 'disruptive'?"
His teacher will give me a look that says "Are you trying to be a wise-ass?"
"I mean is King being disruptive through farting, like bending over and farting in your face? Or are his farts disruptive purely by nature of their stench?"
'The farts. The stench."
Is King going to be labelled the "smelly" kid, a name that will follow him around forever, so that at his ten year high-school reunion his classmates will still refer to him as "stinky"? I can't live with the idea that King may turn into one of those kids that you remember from grade-school; the ones that cause you to cringe just thinking about them. In my school it was Clayton Rose. He had this unfortunate "tick" where he would knock himself in the groin whenever he got nervous. We called him Clayton "Ball Banger" Rose.
Short of plugging it up, I'm thinking that a dietary change may be in order. Any ideas? What makes you fart?