Blogs Never Lie

Conversations with King:

#1

The whole family was in the car coming home from Blue Ridge. Curtis was annoyed with the headrest on his seat, frustrated trying to adjust it, and saying angry words.

King asked if he wanted him to help fix it.

Curtis said, "No! I want you not to dick around with it anymore in the first place! That's what I want!"

King replied,

I didn't DICK around with it!

We had to give him a pass on that one. We were laughing too hard, anyway.

#2

I was reading old blog entries to the family yesterday. Some happened so long ago that we didn't even remember them. [I laughed so hard I cried reading this one.]

After about the third one Curtis said, "You made this stuff up! Didn't you?! I don't remember any this!"

King quickly responded,

It's on the blog; it must be true!

King's View of School

The other day, King informed me that he didn't like school.

"You start out thinking it's going to be fun, but pretty soon it turns into a total nightmare."

I didn't really have a response for him, at least nothing encouraging. The only thing that popped into my head was:

"Yup. That's life. Get used to it."

But seeing as my mother-of-the-year status is already in serious jeopardy, I held my tongue.

I think King's experience of education to this point can be summed up with this image.

 

King's Prayer

I agreed to get up in front of our church congregation on Sunday and give a prayer of praise during the worship service. All that morning before the service I had this increasing feeling of dread, growing to severe anxiety, culminating in all-out stomach-turning terror. By the time I picked King up from his dad's house to take him to church, I was already shaking.

 "King," I explained, "Mama has to pray during church today, so when I go up to the front, you stay in your seat. Okay? Mama's really nervous about it."

"You are going to pray out loud?"

"Yes."

"All by yourself?"

"Yes."

"In front of everybody?" 

"Stop! You are making it worse!"

"It'll be okay, Mom. It'll be okay. It really will, even if everybody laughs at you." 

 "Thank you, King."

After I parked the car, I turned around to King and asked him to pray with me before we got out of the car.

 We held hands and I began, "Dear Jesus, please give me the right words to say, because I don't know what to say..."

At this moment, King added, "and please don't let anyone laugh at my mom, unless she is trying to be funny." 

Amen. 

The Forgotten Ninja Turtle

We are all about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles here at the Fun House, right down to our underwear. As you may, or may not know, each Ninja Turtle has a different colored head-band/mask. Donatello is purple; Leonardo is blue; Michelangelo is orange; and Raphael is red. Why no yellow? Never fear. King has uncovered the rarely seen or mentioned yellow Ninja Turtle.

Donayello.jpg

I don't know which I'm more proud of: King's drawing skills or his clever pun.

Idioms Gone Wrong

One day last week Curtis sent King to clean his room. A while later I wondered what he was doing because he had been in there a really long time. His attention span isn't that long for anything, especially cleaning. Curtis went to check on him.

When I saw Curtis again he was holding the Children's Tylenol and a spoon.

"This is a teaspoon, right?"

"What's going on?"

"King has a headache, and he's crying... uncontrollably."

"He doesn't want to clean his room?"

"Right."

I gave Curtis the proper dosage of Tylenol for cleaning induced headaches (a band-aid on the forehead used to work for these types of pains, but I guess King is getting more sophisticated as he grows older).

It wasn't long before Curtis came back.

"Everything o.k.?"

"Yes. He's cleaning."

"Hmm. Really?"

Not long after that, King appeared.

"All finished?"

"Yes."

Then Curtis, rightfully basking in his moment of child-behavior-modification success, said, "I'm really proud of you, King. You didn't want to clean your room, but you sucked it up and did what you had to do."

King got this horrible look on his face and said indignantly, "I DID NOT SUCK IT UP."

Realizing the misunderstanding, Curtis launched into an explanation of the meaning of the phrase.

I added, "... not like a vacuum, Honey."


 
This example of idioms gone bad reminds me of a previous incident:

King and Michael where horsing around when they accidentally butted heads.

"Oh... head butt!" I said.

King corrected me, "No... it was head-cheek."

Are you Fun-King Serious?

Curtis loves to torture the children. The more they protest the more he needles. He's like a bear; to avoid attack, it's best to play dead.

One of his favorite harassments is tickling. He threatens King: "I'm going to tickle you 'til you pee your pants." So far, he's succeeded twice.

Through gasps and laughter, King will yell, "Stop! I'm serious!"

"Hi, Serious. I'm Curtis."

This gets King totally exasperated, which I have to admit, is very entertaining. A few weeks ago, we were teasing him using this tried and true method.

King: I'm serious!

Curtis: Hi, Serious.

Mama: I don't like Serious. I like King much better.

King: I am King.

Mama: Are you Fun-King? I like Fun-King.

Curtis: Are you Fun-King Serious? (He starts laughing and staring at me like he's trying to send me brain waves.) Are you Fun-King Serious?

Mama: What?

Curtis: Are you FUnKING serious?

Mama: Ooooooh.

We have gotten a lot of mileage out of this one. We laugh like first graders sharing a good fart joke. The best is when you get him to say it, which I know is going to backfire when he uses it outside the family.

Mr. Kingly McWhiplash

This week King has been a virtual cornucopia of memorable sayings.

#1

We were watching a home video we had taken the previous night. King was throwing a suction cup ball at the t.v. screen. On one throw, he landed one directly on Curtis' on-screen crotch. King exclaimed:

Hey, Look! I hit Curtis' bullseye!

#2

King and I were working on some Kirigami (variation of Origami that includes cutting). When Curtis came into the room and saw King wiping some of the paper scraps onto the floor he said, "Hey! Those don't belong there. Look at all those scraps on the floor. Clean those up." While I was explaining that the mess was an inevitable part of what we were doing, King was on his hands and knees picking up bits of paper and saying:

Look at all this failure!

#3

King's teacher, Miss Erin, reported to me that he changed the wording of The Pledge of Allegiance and recited it as follows:

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of DARK

and to the republic for which it stands,

one nation under God, indivisible,

with liberty and justice for LIGHT.